November 12, 2007 by amanda.stebbins.

Sitting here, listening to music and conversations of who knows how many different people, smelling hot tea, and thinking. Such is life on Monday night. I should probably be in bed, but I’m thinking, so that automatically nullifies any sleep that I would be getting.

I love people watching. It reveals a great deal about what people value. I’ve determined that you can learn a lot about a person within the first thirty minutes you know them just by observing how they act. I also think that I can get a pretty good profile of a person within the first 15 minutes of conversation…actually, that first 15-30 minutes becomes ingrained in my head, so I try to get as much information as I possibly can. I love people. And I also love being alone. Healthy balance in everything.

I have not felt so drained in such a long time. I can’t exactly pinpoint why I feel like that, but I know that that’s exactly what it is. I’m going to be thrilled when the feeling is gone, though. The constant tiredness is no fun. I’m realizing as well that I’m not able to focus as well as I was able to at one point. I don’t know what that’s about either. I suppose you could be praying for that to pass.

I would really like to write more, but I cannot focus for the life of me. There’s too many conversations going on, and I’m fairly ADD when it comes to attention span. I think what I can pull out of my head right now are just opposing ideas. I’m really wanting to travel a ton right now, and yet at the same time I want to just go home and be with my family. I want to sleep and yet I want to stay up. I want Christmas to be here and yet I’m surrounded by summer, which is odd. I want silence and yet I find comfort in noise. I want to be made uncomfortable and yet I feel stuck in a rut. I want to cut my hair and yet I want to grow it out…the growing it out wins…I want to go as long as possible without cutting it…til I get back home at least. I want to work as hard as I possibly could and yet I want to do nothing at the same time. I just don’t understand the way my mind works sometimes. It’s a beautiful mystery. And thus I leave you, having even less understanding of my mind than I do. Isn’t it wonderful that our minds are so complex, that everything that makes up who we are has such a specific job (except the appendix but I’m sure it has some job somehow), and that I am not easily understood?

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September 21, 2007 by amanda.stebbins.

So in update to the last post that I wrote, I was summoned by my friend, Ramesh (who is a 49 year old Fiji-ian man that hangs around the base a lot) immediately after I finished the post…he asked me to go for a walk with him (he had a stroke last year and has been unable to walk on his own very well since) so we went for a walk. On the way, in the middle of another thought, he reaches over to a bush and picks a flower for me….and it was the very picture of a flower that I had in my head that I spoke about in the last post, with a few colors changed. Such an amazing God… to give me a flower, one of the simplest and smallest things, and to tell me that he hears me immediately through another person, one of the greatest and most amazing things ever.

I’ve experienced a great deal of brokenness this week…. how to explain to someone what you see with spiritual eyes. I saw a need to put myself on an altar before God, to allow him to see everything about me because I show it to him and not just because he’s God and knows everything. Humility, I keep learning, is just being honest about who you are- your strengths and weaknesses- and living in that continuously. There is pride on either side, where you can be haughty and boastful and then the other extreme, where you underplay your skills that you know you have and don’t live as the person you were created to be. So I stand before God now….with exactly who I am, no more, no less. I think that it’s an incredibly vulnerable place to be, to face the Creator of the entire universe and to tell him to use the strengths I have to bring Him glory, to work through my weaknesses to do the same, and to offer up my entire being to be burned up, so to speak. God is a consuming fire. He also stands forever. I offer myself as a sacrifice to Him, laying it all on the altar for him to burn up. And only the things of Him remain, because He lasts forever….nothing can destroy God. Even the ashes of the past things are completely removed in light of the fire that God is….there are no remains of the former ways. I think that’s probably one of the most amazing revelations I’ve had all week.

1 Corinthians 4:5-Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.

I’ve also learned a lot about the power of darkness in our lives. Things that are secret…those deep inner things that we want to hide from everyone else, even sometimes from God… are the things in darkness and of darkness. And the things that are hidden and kept in darkness are the things that Satan can use as footholds in our lives…the concealed sins not just of action but of the heart. All sin originates in the mind…the mind is the gateway to our thoughts and our actions. Usually we think about what we’re going to do before we do it.

So sin that remains in the dark is where Satan will speak shame, doubt, fear, and inadequacies into our lives….things like “Who are you to think that you’re good enough to do (insert whatever here)”, “You know you messed up in (insert something here)- you cannot even think that you can do that”, “You remember (insert something here)? What would people think of you if they knew who you really are?” These are things that I’ve heard, so I know others have heard them as well as many others as well. We are hindered in sharing who Jesus is if we have shame, doubt, and fear in the way. We are hindered by not knowing who we are according to God…instead we draw who we are from circumstance and feeling, which both change constantly.

All things will be brought into the light anyways, so I’m starting to learn that by voluntarily bringing them into light, by living in humility before God and not being afraid of showing Him all of me (since He knows it all anyways), the act of walking into the light nullifies the power Satan and darkness have in my life. Once things are in the light, Satan cannot use them anymore. And the greatest part is that when those things are brought into the light, when we bare ourselves before the Creator of everything, his Son has taken all those things upon Himself to wash them off of us, and we are clean and pure before God. That humility will bring us freedom. Sacrificing our pride on the altar of God is no sacrifice in hindsight when we see that we’ve been released from the power of sin that entangles us to the point of suffocation.

I also read something this morning talking about a kingdom principle of service rather than power. In the Bible it seems that God tends to use those who are not great in the eyes of the world….farmers, shepherds, slaves, people that are paid no attention in society. These people understood service…they understood a life that may require a lot of patience and hard work to achieve even a fraction of their work set before them. Those qualities served them well throughout their life. I was reading the book of Daniel a few weeks ago and was amazed to see that Daniel’s life in service in Babylon started in his twenties, and I’ve always just assumed that everything that happened to him happened in his twenties. But he had years of service, years of living day-to-day, learning to walk with God, having foundations built into his life that he would need later on. He was much older when he was thrown into the lion’s den….at least a generation older than I am. There was wisdom that was built into him, a deep reliance on God that allowed him to serve in his ministry. But that came from living, day to day, year to year, just taking his time. He wasn’t anything “special”….just a young man captured to serve as a slave in a foreign kingdom. But he was faithful to his God and he sought God everyday…he lived in relationship with God. Looking back at my life, I have expected God to move and to build everything in my life right away…but how firm a foundation would that be? God takes his time to give me solid foundations like a good construction job would, and in the meantime He is teaching me about the principles of His kingdom….principles that go completely against those of this world. In a microwave society, I’m learning how to wait for the fire to heat up in the brick oven….the food is so much better out of the oven if you haven’t noticed before (microwave dinners are mediocre if not less than such).

Lots of learning, lots I haven’t even written here, but more to come at some point when I remember more of it Just some things to think about…

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September 12, 2007 by amanda.stebbins.

So I’ve been in a little place called Byron Bay for the past five days and fallen in love with it. Seriously the most beautiful place I’ve been…a completely clear sky with the ability to see almost every star imaginable, the ocean which is a shade of blue I’ve never seen in my life, people that are open to talk with you, and it is in Australia. I absolutely LOVED it! But even more than that, I’ve heard God speak, and He WANTS to speak…fancy that.

We talked about the Holy Spirit this week…a man named Kevin was our speaker, the director of the Byron Bay YWAM base. An absolutely passionate man for the heart of God, he talked about quite a few things actually. One that stuck out, though, is that we are a product of our environments. We are a result of the things that are taught to us. This also concerns the way we look at God, and I know for me, my society and culture has created boxes in my mind of who God is and how He works. Why do we not see miracles? Why do people not talk about hearing God more often? Why do we think God only works in a certain way? Probably because that’s the way our western culture has said it is….we don’t see these things, so how can they possibly be true? I don’t know if this resonates with anyone else, but I see it true in my own life. My mind interferes with my spirit and my desire to have a childlike faith. When I hear stories of people getting healed, my mind can’t fathom it, so I think “Hey, it’s a good story. That’s cool.” People talk of getting words of knowledge…a word that God gives them about another person that may not make any sense whatsoever to the person that gets the word, but may mean the world to the person that hears it. And once again, I thought that was cool but it may just be a lucky guess, up until last night.

Kevin, our speaker, hadn’t even had an opportunity to sit and talk with me one on one. He didn’t even know my name, and yet last night I sat in my seat during worship just asking God to give me a ring or a flower or something, just because I’m coming to a point in my relationship with God to see that He wants to date me in the sense that this is a dynamic relationship, and it is the ultimate relationship. Not even a minute after I had prayed that, Kevin comes over and tells me that He got a word for me while looking around the room…and it was one of a beautiful flower blooming. He also prayed over my life, and things were spoken out that I had been wrestling with, but the fact that God heard me want a flower and then sent me a person to show me that He heard my every word, my every thought, my every longing and desire blew me away and broke me. God loves me and you enough to listen to our every word and then he desires to give us the things we ask for. That’s another word I’ve heard more and more through the past 5 weeks…you receive not because you ask not. Ask and keep on asking, knock and keep on knocking, and I (meaning God) will pour out even more than all you ask and can possibly imagine…..because I love you that much. I’ve learned quite a bit over the past two weeks that I’ve done the very thing I’ve been afraid of with all my other relationships to God….I’ve approached him as an obligation, I make time for him when I want him to do something, and I ultimately have tried leading my own life with Him technically there because He lives in me, but by pushing Him off to the side and only giving myself halfheartedly to Him. And yet He’s given me the fullness of His glory and His power in unlimited supply to enjoy constantly….He desires to be with me all the time and for us to enjoy life together.

Maybe it’s just me….maybe I’m the only one that saw this life with Christ as more of an obligation than a joy, but for some reason I don’t think I am. I think we don’t even comprehend what it could look like, what amazing impact we could have, what an absolute joy and honor it is to be able to love God passionately, unabashedly, and recklessly, knowing that who we are is secure in the person of God who never changes. His heart is always for our good, to bring us from glory to glory, to reveal himself more and more, to speak to us constantly, to tell us exactly how to speak to someone because He created every fiber of their being, and to be able to walk in a life of excitement because the Creator of the universe is absolutely in love with me. And He talks with me….and so I’m learning to listen.

So the life of living with Jesus in neat little religious boxes is over. God loves me. He loves you. He wants to talk with you. He’s given you access to the fullness of who He is, and He is absolutely ecstatic when we give Him full access to who we are….then He can move in ways we never would have comprehended. Jesus even said that we’d do greater things than He did. So bring it on Or as they say in Australia, have a go.

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July 31, 2007 by amanda.stebbins.

I leave in less than a week…at this time next week, I’ll still be stuck on the plane. I’d actually still have about 5 hours to go on the longest plane trip of my life. But needless to say, it’s an exciting thing to look and see Australia and ministry ahead of me. The past two days namely I’ve had the opportunity to talk to two of my closest friends and each of them spoke truth into my life. I am blessed with and by my friends- I love that I will miss them because they are such an integral part of my life, these girls especially. I know that they have my backs in prayer as I do theirs.

I still haven’t packed. I still have about a half a page’s worth of stuff to do. And I only have about 5 days to get it all done in (Sunday is Jordan, my 7 yr old cousin’s, baptism!) But I have an enthusiasm and a peace about where I’m at in life and where I’m going. Things are being restored in my life. I’ve been brought to the ultimatum of whether I’m going to continue to put everything else under the sun in higher priority than God or if I will surrender myself completely. And so I choose to surrender, to submit, and to love. I don’t know what the next 6 months hold for me or for my future, but I’m increasingly excited about each detail that is still a mystery.

I hear the voice, the voice of the one I love, calling my name.
He’s saying come up higher to hear the angels sing, come up higher my beloved.
Come up higher, leave this world behind. You will find what you’ve been looking for.
I am running, running after you, you’ve become my soul’s delight;
I am running, running after you, here with you I find my life.

-Christ for the Nations “Running”

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July 18, 2007 by amanda.stebbins.

I’m sitting in College Station at the moment soaking up the fleeting moments of summer. Right about now in three weeks I will be arriving in Australia to be there for six months. And to me, that’s strange. I can’t believe that it’s already here…and I can’t believe I’m going to be gone that long. Life just kinda creeps up on you sometimes I suppose. Anyways, getting to be down in College Station has made me nostalgic for the time in my life when I actually had my own place here, and I’m honestly a bit sad that I won’t be here to enjoy the company of the group of people that I’ve had the opportunity to be around for the past week or so. Plus…Matt’s house is amazing. Just a lot of fun to hang out with people in.

So ultimately this little period of transitions is kinda strange. Transitioning out of the physical lives of my friends and soon to be my family and transitioning into a new kind of family…the 12 other students and 6 leaders I’ll be spending the next six months with. And a song from high school comes to mind… “It’s a bittersweet symphony, that’s life”….not the rest of the song, just that line. Except I’d change it to sweet-bitter. There is a sweetness to having a passion in life, even when that passion draws you away from everything you love except the Lord. There is reminiscing mixed with anticipation and a huge excitement of what is to come mixed with the sober realization of leaving things here. And so God works.

God likes to bring me to change because then I cannot expect anything even close to what actually will come. And the most exciting part is that He will be fulfilling my deepest desires in the midst of it…even though I’m sometimes apprehensive of change. I do look forward to getting off the plane halfway across the world and it be winter in August, but more for the reason that I’m getting an opportunity to go devote myself and my work and everything I do pretty much constantly for six months to God. I love to serve, and I want to learn how to do that and to love better. I want to be known for the way I love people because then people will see God and not me. They might think they see me, but I cannot love to that capacity and that intently if I try to love. It just doesn’t work like that.

I look forward to telling stories and hopefully to hearing stories from you. I want to hear about life…I already anticipate a few love stories, maybe some pseudo adventurous ones, and let’s not forget the dramatic ones Anyways, I’m off to find something to do around here….surely there’s a way to keep yourself entertained while the rest of the world of college students are at work. Later!

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July 7, 2007 by amanda.stebbins.

I suppose I can start writing on this. I leave a month from yesterday for Australia…kinda crazy that it’s already here. Or that it’s here at all. I can hardly believe I’ve already graduated from college, much less be preparing to go overseas for six months. Regardless of the disbelief, I’m excited to no end. I think the most excitement comes from me not having any clue whatsoever about what to expect from this period of my life. This door opened up over the past year, and this is where God has led me. There couldn’t be anything more exciting in life right now, or at all, than being completely clueless as to what God is doing, but trusting Him with my life, with relationships, with circumstances, pretty much with everything.

Over the past month, I’ve learned more and more about the fiercely committed love of God and His incomprehensible faithfulness to those He loves. The next six months of my life are completely covered financially because of friends who believe in what I’m doing and more importantly in what God is and will be doing. I’ve learned a lot about the insecurity I’ve held on to for so long in my life and am in the pruning process right now of getting that out of my life- as a daughter of God, I have no need or reason for insecurity. It’s almost as if I’m awakening from some dull bland-ness of life- I don’t know how better to describe it. The love of God moves me as I see it manifested through people and just through His presentation of it. And I guess the greatest realization is that my life is to be completely about love- loving God and loving others. So that’s where my heart lies.

I cannot honestly tell you that I have any remote expectations apart from being changed over the course of the next six months. I know who I am when I return to the United States will be different than who I am now, and I’m really excited about that. Reading up on my leader’s blog, I’ve begun to grasp a small glimpse of what I will get to do, and yet at the same time I still have no clue what I’m about to do; I just know I’m jumping in head first with no reserves.

According to the aforementioned blog, there’s 13 people so far in my school, ages 17-29. I’ve talked to 4 of them, and I’m excited to meet the rest. Ah…I’m so excited about all of this.

I suppose that’s all I have for now…I’m sure there will be more to write about as August 6th draws closer. Til then, preparations, prayer, and patience (yay for alliteration) shall be consuming my time and mind

Grace and peace-

Amanda

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