I continue to learn a lot about leadership, both in doing and in reading. I worked my way through Joshua, Judges, Ruth, and 1 Samuel over the road trip, and I continued to learn heaps about what it looks like to be a leader. Some principles I’ve taken away from my reading:

1) Leaders themselves are always in submission to someone or something else. There is not a person on this earth who is not in submission to something whether it is God, work, money, other men, their personal struggles, etc. There’s a Bob Dylan song that says, “You’ve gotta serve somebody.” So true. What defines the way a person leads is what they submit to, and those things or people or God that they submit to will in turn affect the way that they lead and the ultimate outcome of their leadership. God told the Israelites that if they would only submit to Him as their leader, they would find that all nations would be driven out before them and that they would find every one of His promises fulfilled. However, if they didn’t submit to His authority, God would turn away from them and be against them. This, of course, is a loving act from a just God to bring them back into righteousness, but that’s a letter in and of itself.

2) Leaders are not perfect. We talked some this week about leadership and the ridiculous demands that it can place upon the individual in the position, to the point where the person feels as if they need to be perfect. Leaders are to be beyond reproach, but this will be a natural result of living a life of intimacy with God. Once again, that which we submit ourselves to will ultimately define the way we live our lives… it’s just the natural outworking of submission. However, God’s grace does cover us for the times when we do mess up as leaders. The unrealistic expectation for leaders to be perfect is damaging at best because, really, who can live up to an expectation of perfection? Even the best person in the world has messed up at one time or another (apart from Jesus). Now, this is also not a way to excuse poor behavior on part of the leader; leaders are people of character, which leads me to the next thing that I learned.

3) Leaders are not elected by people, but rather by God for the way that they live their lives. People throughout the Bible were chosen for leadership by God. Many times, the leaders could not have even existed apart from God; a recurring theme in the Old Testament is that leaders were born to women whose wombs were barren. Many leaders were selected from unlikely circumstances. Some leaders were considered to be the least of those who were even options for the job at hand. God sees beyond what men see; he sees the heart and the integrity of the people. We are drawn to people who lead well because there is wisdom in that person. Elections aren’t bad, but elections also don’t always describe how a person lives their life.

4) Good leaders are well versed in servanthood. The leaders that God gave us to look at in the Bible served, and they were pictures of what Jesus would be the complete picture of in the New Testament. The Old Testament is a sign pointing to who Jesus is, and I’m reading it right now as that very thing. There is something to the concept of knowing how to serve those you are leading. Leaders gain the respect and honor of those that they lead when they can serve well. People know that they can trust their leaders in this very position. It is a very backwards way of approaching leadership because this world teaches us that to lead, you must push everyone else down and you must elevate yourself. I don’t know why it works the way it does, but I do know that these principles actually do work. God is the source of all wisdom and knowledge, and I trust that what He says is actually the best way of doing things. Put it to the test and see what happens yourself.

That’s just a little of what I gleaned from my reading this week. I think a lot about leadership because I’m in that position at the moment and I’m seeing the implications of A) the attitudes I have and B) the attitudes those whom I lead have. I do hope to find the church unite together more and more as days, months, and years progress, but I think that unity is something we will have to fight for. Unity is something that the enemy hates and thus it will be attacked greatly. Unity in families, in small groups, in nations will be under even greater attack than before. To defend ourselves is also to defend each other. Leadership is not so much about flexing our accolades muscles as much as it is about teaching one another how to walk together and to defend each other, about serving so that others may learn to serve. It’s something I do not want to take for granted, but rather to treat with sobriety so that those I lead will in turn go on to lead even better than I ever could.

This past week I spent time on the Gold Coast, specifically Surfers’ Paradise, getting to talk to people about God, who He is, who Jesus is, etc. I had some of the most amazing conversations I’ve had in a long time. The people I spoke with actually wanted to talk about beliefs, unlike so many times when evangelism tries to happen in the west. There were on average about 50 of us doing this. There are stories of people coming to believe in Jesus as the Son of God who died for their sins. There are countless stories of this just being discussed. It was one of the best weeks I’ve had in a long time, and definitely one of the best weeks I’ve had in evangelism ever.

Now what if I were to say that these people are from the Middle East….from Bahrain, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, United Arab Emirates, Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan….

I have recognized in my own country that there has been a lot of distrust expressed towards Muslims and Muslim nations due to many different things in the past. I have seen hatred towards these people, words spoken out against these people, and a whole lot of negativity spoken over these nations. I see on the news the effects of war. I saw what happened years ago from my desk in history what happened when Osama bin Laden saw the fulfillment of what he had been planning for who knows how long. I see these countries and the pain that occurs within the people as well as the pain that occurs within my own culture because of the conflicts happening that involve us as a nation and sometimes as individuals. I can see where bitterness and hatred can arise.

Yet…this week I was faced with a reality. Those that we so quickly judge and call our enemies are our brothers and sisters. They are the neighbors that we are called to love. It makes me sad actually to see the way that the media can portray the Middle East and the people over there. I will not doubt the reality of the things that we see on CNN, but at the same time the very people that we are so quick to cast judgment upon many times are some of the sweetest, most hospitable, most upstanding people I have met. I cannot tell you how many people from our group, as complete strangers, were invited out for coffee or invited back to the family’s condo to come eat and just talk with them. Many of the families that we talked with have already extended an open invitation to us to come to their homes and they will show us around their country and teach us about their customs and traditions at home.

I feel sometimes like I’m stuck in between two worlds. I also have a group of men in the military that I am praying for while they are in Iraq. I want both sides to experience the love of God. So my prayers for our military is that they would come to know Christ in a deep relationship, so much so that it is physically evident to those around them, and for safety, that they would all return home to their families and friends. For the Middle Eastern culture, I pray that they will see the love of God upon our troops and be drawn into the heart of God. I pray safety upon them as well. I think most of all, I want the Muslim people to come to an understanding of what freedom exists in the love of Christ….and also something I learned from God the other day.

For Muslims, keeping the law is pertinent because, if they sin, according to their religion, they will be punished for that sin and then it goes on a tally board that tips the scales after they die to determine if they go to heaven or to hell. No one in the Muslim faith knows where they will end up, and so they spend their life striving after doing good things, hoping it will be enough for them.

I was reading a book a few days ago, and God spoke to me about the law. In the Old Testament, there are a lot of laws that God laid out for the people to follow. The law defined unrighteousness and sin, and it says in the New Testament that the law was created for the sinful people. I didn’t really understand this. So, after thinking and processing with God, I came to understand something. When Adam and Eve were first created, they did not need a law because they walked in perfect relationship with God. As long as they walked in that relationship, enjoying God, learning from Him, spending time with him, and most of all loving Him, there was no need for a law. God created us for relationship. However, we decided to break that relationship by becoming selfish. In breaking relationship with God, we could no longer return to Him and reconcile that relationship out of our own strength. Letting go of relationship with God is ultimately death because God is the only source of life…that is why sin is death. It tears us away from our source of life.

So, God laid out the law, not because we were supposed to be able to earn our way back to God- that is impossible- but because it defines how we break relationship with God. The law shows us a picture of what it is to lack love for God. Since we are human beings, who innately are sinful, we have this innate desire to be independent of God, which shows a complete lack of love for Him. The law came so that we could understand what it looks like to not walk in relationship with God.

In comes Jesus, who is fully human but fully God at the same time and is able to fulfill the law. This did not mean that he legalistically kept every single commandment and law God had laid out in the Old Testament…. it meant that He walked in perfect relationship with His Father. Not once in Jesus’ life did He ever turn away from God and choose to be independent of Him. Never. Because of this, the Bible says that the law was fulfilled through Jesus. Jesus walked in perfect love with God. Wow.

So Jesus, who has been the only human ever to walk in perfect relationship and in perfect love with the Father, became the atoning sacrifice for all of us who have turned away from God at one point or another. Through His sacrifice, we now have a promise. The law does not give life, but the promise of God does. The law that was fulfilled in Jesus’ life is now our inheritance. As we choose to walk in relationship with God, the law is fulfilled in us as well, but only because of Jesus. Jesus has restored us to be able to have relationship with God once again.

Galatians 5:21 talks about the things that result from a sinful nature and from us choosing to walk apart from God. These are the things that the law has defined. But the next verse talks about the things that result from us walking with God…the fruit of the Spirit…and then it goes on to say that against such things there is no law. This is because these are the things that result from us walking with God. This is the way life was intended to be, and love,joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control will just happen on their own as we walk in relationship with God.

I think as Christians, we see it to be a lot easier as well sometimes to just strive for good works. The sad thing is is that when we strive to do something good, we are not doing it with God, and our very best efforts are still tacked to the law because, apart from relationship with God, we are stuck to the law. Relationship with God does take time. It takes effort. It takes investment. That relationship, however, will be the wellspring of life for people. It is the source of everything good that we can do because our doing results from our being. Our fruit results from our abiding in God. Anything we try to do apart from Him is worthless because, like Ecclesiastes talks about, it is a chasing after the wind.

This is my desire for the Muslim nations. This is my desire for Christian nations as well. Relationship with God is everything. It is the source of everything. It will be the only way this world is changed permanently for good. This is what I desire to see rooted deep into my life, into the lives of my students here, and into the lives of people who want to know Jesus, whether they are Christians already or not. Our identity comes not from our works, from the fruit of our labor, but rather from our Daddy in heaven who has placed His heart in us and His authority on us. I want to cease striving and just being a daughter of God. From there, everything else will form naturally. I will not be able to help it….love will just be who I am.

This is my prayer for you. Regardless of where you are at, regardless of if you know God or not. My hope is that you see that God wants to be in relationship with you. He has created you to be in relationship with Him. He loves you, and He wants to give you rest forever from striving so that you can see yourself grow up to be like Him, the way it was always meant to be. You are created in His image….allow Him to be the one to call that image out of you. It is His joy and delight to see Himself formed in you day by day.

Seriously. The God who created this universe loves you. How awesome is that.

What is leadership? It seems like the majority of the world I know would classify it as what happens when you work and schmooze your way to the top where you have influence and power. Leadership many times seems like it becomes synonymous with corrupt in society. The leadership that a great majority of people experience is not the kind of leadership that shouldd be experienced.

Leadership is a necessary part of society…there is no way to exist without it. No matter how hard you try, it is nearly impossible to go through life without some sort of leadership…either yourself leading or you following. It’s sad to think that the picture we get of leadership in life is a picture of tyranny to one extreme or a picture of a weak willed person who allows anyone to sway them.

I just finished a book called “A Tale of Three Kings” today…it talked about Saul, David, and Absalom. The book starts out by talking about how David was anointed early in life to become king, but no one recognized that he was king nor did they recognize his authority. He walked in submission to Saul, a king/leader who walked in insecurity, gripping tightly to his power, claiming that it is “his right.” He became so insecure that he decided to throw spears at David, attempting to kill him because he knew that David was to take his throne at some point. Saul just didn’t know how it would come to pass…whether by natural means or by force.

The book also procedes to talk about how we all have a King Saul inside of us. We are all insecure at best when it comes to trying to lead out of our own idea of what leadership is. The self-centered, egotistical, insecure way of leadership we hail in our culture. The question is, will we allow God to strip us of that kind of leadership? Are we willing to let go of that which seems comfortable and natural and safe to pursue a different kind of leadership? The kind of leadership that God calls us to is wrought with difficulty, with pain and with sacrifice. We are called to be servants rather than to be served. We are to be humble rather than prideful. We are to expect difficulty rather than run from it, because it is in the midst of pain that a beautiful thing is born. Pain will bear growth…it will bear life. David bore the pain and the weight quietly. He withstood through the struggle, and as a result, a great leader was born.

David would not rebel against the authority in his life, but rather became broken through his experiences with an authoritarian figure as his king. He would not disgrace or disrespect his king, but rather honored him despite his corruption. David left alone when he left Saul’s presence. He went out to escape death and ended up wandering for quite a while. Suffering was his best friend as he laid, probably wondering what was to come of the anointing that Samuel had poured on him. In the meantime, he wrote songs out of brokenness. In this brokenness, he found the humility necessary to make him a great king. David became a leader in this time, not because he necessarily was seeking leadership, but because God had created him as a leader and people just naturally started to follow him. He refused to give into bitterness that would tear down his life and put his focus back on himself; rather, he accepted what he was given and continued living, growing in the leadership he needed.

Many years later, after David had become king and had been in power for a long time, his son Absalom became rebellious. He wanted his father’s throne and began to show hints of going after it. David was once again faced with a decision, this time whether to transform into the Saul that had inflicted so much pain on David as he was growing and learning and to force Absalom into submission, or to allow Absalom to make his own decisions and risk losing his kingdom. David could have easily subdued Absalom with just a word, and yet he did not want to become another Saul. So instead he did nothing.

David recognized that his leadership was from God, not from man, and that it was God’s decision, not his own, to try to hold the kingdom. David understood that God had anointed him for leading and God was the one who allowed him to function in that position for as long as He wanted. David remained humble in his leadership, understanding that God’s understanding is so much greater than his own, and he was willing to trust God when it came to keeping or forfeiting his kingdom.

Being in a position of leadership is a lot of responsibility to God, to others, and to yourself. Being a leader in the kingdom of God is equivalent to serving all, even the least of those you meet. Even the ones I don’t feel like associating with. Even the ones who do not agree with me. As a leader, I’m called to forfeit my rights in light of others. I was talking with our base director and one of my friends tonight about the base and leadership, and this thought crossed my mind. If we are desiring positions of influence, we will be given the chance to impact other’s lives. What kind of influence do we wish to have? I desire for my actions and words to measure up fully to that which God has called me to, and that at times will require that I sacrifice some of my own rights for the good of others or for the good of a community. It’s hard to sacrifice, but it is completely worth it in light of seeing someone else get closer to God or just becoming a better person overall. I want to remove all barriers I can out of my own life to be able to encourage others and push them beyond where I am. It is an honor to be in leadership, and similarly it is an honor to serve. When leadership becomes selfless, people notice because it is counter-cultural and counter-intuitive. Everything inside me that is of my flesh screams for me to just satisfy myself, to do what is easiest for me. And yet the leadership of Christ calls me to the opposite standard. It calls me to die to myself and to honor the poor, the rude, the mean and the quiet. It calls me to give up my rights so that another may live. And, in light of seeing someone else come alive, the sacrifice is not so great after all. It is rather a joy to see a seed take root and flower.

Leadership is servanthood. True leadership will come in the form of humility and will be birthed out of sacrifice and some suffering. Leadership looks to the good of others rather than the good of ourselves. Our world needs leadership like this, the kind that is willing to die so that others may live.

I know I’m not the most outgoing person in the world. I’m not noticed as much in many situations just due to the fact that I don’t stand out like a neon 80’s t-shirt. And I’m ok with that…I don’t like to stand out. But sometimes being in that position can bring about a certain loneliness in my life. I think I’ve experienced that to some extent this week…I don’t really know where I “fit” yet in this new place in life. So I stand back and watch. I observe people, I observe situations…I am always looking and watching, seeing how people act, what they say. And this week I have felt terribly alone. I want to know where I belong…I want to feel like there really is a place for me in the middle of all the chaos known as life. And yet I have felt terribly unsure of my footing this week in so many different situations. I have felt like all I’ve done is try to get everything to fit in and in the process worn myself down to bits. All the while, of course, feeling pretty alone. To top it off, it seemed like I couldn’t do much really “well and right”. Possibly one of the worst combinations ever. My time with God has been drier than the Sahara and my prayers felt much more forced than natural. It’s been a rough week.

Needless to say, we had worship tonight, so I went. I needed time to just stop and relax. And then God decided to meet me and talk with me about a few things. First, he told me that I am not forgotten in his eyes….rather, he treasures me and calls me beautiful. He has sent me someone that by no means replaces God but rather gives me just a glimpse of the way God pursues me, which he reminded me of tonight. It is difficult to receive that when you feel so incredibly undeserving of the wonderful treatment you are getting. God is speaking to me about rejection. Typically, I’m able to ignore the idea of being rejected. And typically I don’t even really have to think about it because it doesn’t cross my mind. However, God decided to bring it up tonight and to deal rather severely with it. So he spoke truth over me. He told me who I am and what he sees…a beautiful daughter whom he delights in. How does someone receive that after years of feeling forgotten? I feel lost to the world sometimes, which isn’t always bad because it means I can pull away to be alone, but it’s also hard because I ache to be known.

So God told me, “You’re not alone.” Simple enough, but a whole lot to wrap my mind around. He never leaves me, he always hears me, and he always wants to be the rescuer in my life story. Wow. God never desires for me to feel alone, so the Holy Spirit is in me to testify to the extravagant love of God over me and how he never leaves me. My heart hurts to just understand this simple truth. I want it to be made real to me. And so here I sit.

I love God. I love how he speaks, how he works, how he desires for me to never feel alone. I love that the deepest longings of my heart are completely fulfilled by Him. I love how nothing in this world can separate me from his love and how nothing on this earth can ever snatch me out of his hand. I love how he knows exactly how I hurt because he’s felt alone as well. What an amazing God.

Do I still feel sorta alone? Yeah. Does it hurt as much? Not really. I know that tomorrow brings a fresh understanding to who God is and who I am as his beautiful daughter created in his image. I look forward to what he will teach. And I look forward to the time when I can be God’s hands and feet and heart to someone else who feels alone.

I think life has become overanalyzed. Moreso, I think a lot of times, our relationship with God becomes too complicated in our own minds. I know I have gotten trapped into the corner before of thinking that I have to bring this huge list of things before him. It’s almost at times like I’ve forgotten how to have a relationship…it turns into something much more goal driven than allowing myself to enjoy the journey.

We also talked in our community meeting yesterday about how we must continue going back to the basics in our faith because nothing will be achieved without the fundamentals. I heard that word many times over in my life and it’s finally starting to sink in….until the fundamentals are established, how can we ever expect to grow? If a tree cannot send its roots down into the ground, there is no basis at all for the rest of the tree to stand upon. It will fall out or blow over with the slightest wind. I think it applies just as much if not moreso to the Christian way of life. Until we are willing to devote ourselves to even the most seemingly basic things of our walk like spending time with God and praying, how can we ever expect to grow up or to remain steadfast in out Christian life? I see that as a theme at many points in my life…I assumed that I could continue growing as a Christian without spending any time whatsoever with God. I had a destination in mind and I was convinced that I could get there as fast as possible with as little effort as possible. And I was humbled from that mainly through the revelation that God is in this relationship with me for the journey, not just for the end goal. He has a heart that wants to enjoy the ride with us, to watch us grow and mature. I picture a parent who really just enjoys getting to live life with their child. They love watching their kid grow up, to see all the “firsts”, to be there for every major event and just to enjoy all the little ones. God does not want to be a theme park…he wants relationship.

So…simplicity. I see myself every so often just getting terribly bogged down with the ideas in my head of the way things are “supposed to go.” I feel like I should make my relationship with God much more complex than it should be, and I think a lot of people do that because, as they say, “nothing in life is free.” I am by no means saying that Jesus dying for us was free….it came at the greatest cost this world has ever known, but for us personally, we are able to live with God forever because He gave us the free gift of life through Jesus. No earning it. Nothing of the sort. And his love doesn’t have stipulations…he loves us just because he loves us.

My thoughts kind of trail off here because tiredness has hit. So, update on life. Since I got to Australia, life has hit just as hard as it had been going when I was at home. We’re in class most of the day getting certified to train and assess students. The Australian government dots all it’s i’s and crosses it’s t’s quite well. I should be finished with that on Friday (yay!), but this week is quite a bit of work still. The majority of my stuff will be done tomorrow thankfully. There’s just always something to do. Anyways…that’s all for now I think. I’m tired, so I’m off. Later gators.

For those who do not know, I have returned to Australia after 5 1/2 months at home. It was a wonderful time to get to be with my family and to process a lot of what happened in Australia last time around. Now I’m back as staff on the base. Being on staff has it’s perks…ya know, use of the staff area, fewer people to sharing a room, etc. I also have been thinking a ton about the responsibility that falls on the people on staff here, especially in the position I’m in as staff on a school.

God has called me to a much deeper level of dependence on him through this position. I do not feel the least bit qualified to be leading such a school. I’m 22 years old, which does make me several years older than the youngest students, one year older than the oldest student, and the third oldest in leadership in the school. It’s humbling to me to realize that God is placing me in a position of authority. My main duty on this school is to be in charge of intercession- once again, a humbling position. Prayer is what will have the greatest impact because prayer on behalf of the school will be binding and loosing things over the people in our school (as well as around the world considering my prayers do not just concern the school). It’s a new level of discipline God is bringing me into…one that I am very excited about but at the same time wondering why I am the one He picked for this position. I find myself in humbling positions left and right.

Being on staff for a discipleship training school is a heavy undertaking in my opinion. It is a constant pouring out of yourself for the entirety of the school so that others may learn more of who God is and how He sees them…it requires the dependence on God for the strength necessary. Our staff team is incredible….so I’ll introduce them to you so you know a little more about who I am working with.

Adam is our school leader…the one who organizes the entirety of the 5-6 months. He has poured so much prayer and preparation into this time. Adam was my school leader as well. He’s been with YWAM for quite a while, and he will be 23 in October. Adam’s heart is one that desires to pursue God completely and wholeheartedly and to enable other people to do the same. He is a man of humility and strength, and I am excited to get to learn more from him and from the wisdom God gives to him over this period of time. When I was initially in Australia, I did not want to come back at all…God had to call me back…but once I found out He wanted me back, I wanted to be able to work under Adam. I love watching God move through him and to hear God speak through him.

Erin was on staff for my school as well as being one of my outreach leaders. Absolutely sweet! She’s from Oregon in the states.

Melissa was on staff for my school as well….she is my piano buddy (she brought lots of sheet music thankfully since I didn’t.) She’s from Idaho.

Bonner was on my school….absolutely incredible worship leader. He’s from Virginia.

Jon was also on my school….the most positive person I’ve ever met as well as one of the most genuine. He’s from Norway….and he’s not back here yet

Paul- I just met Paul about 5 days ago, and we’ve had some wonderful conversations. He did his DTS here forever ago. He’s an IT guy, is from Canada, went to school in Alberta, and now he’s here

So that’s who’s on staff with me. I’ll write more about them in the future I bet….we’re family now.

Base has been terribly quiet this weekend….half the people are at a wedding for a couple from the base, and the other half seem to have disappeared somewhere over the past two days. So needless to say it’s terribly quiet around here.

More thoughts to come later. For now, just wanted everyone to know that I got here all safe and sound. So much work to be done, so very very little time….

…til next time

I cannot begin to tell you how strange and yet wonderful it has been to be home and to hear over here in the States the confirmation of things I’ve been thinking about for the past several months. The vision I started to develop over in Australia for my life and for my “spheres of influence” has begun to go deeper via just God being Himself and talking to me as well as through listening to other people speak about what God has laid on their hearts- funny, it’s the same as what’s been on mine.

At the same time, it’s interesting to come back and to see brokenness in my culture in a completely new light. Though I cannot group every single struggle I’ve seen completely under just one umbrella, I see one of the main struggles of our culture in America to be insecurity. It rears its head in so many forms, and my heart aches because I’ve seen perfect Love set people free from insecurity, namely myself. Kinda like Paul told his audience that he was a Pharisee of Pharisees, kept the law… pretty much gave his pedigree profile, I can stand before you and say that I was the most insecure person I’ve met in my life. I had it mastered to the point of misery on my part, always seeing things as my fault even when they weren’t, always thinking less of myself, always putting myself in a bad light when I scrutinized who I was. And to top it all off, I never actually did figure out who I was. Til God came and showed me love and handed me a mirror as he drenched me in that very love. And now I’m not the same. I want that for everyone. I ache, to the point of tears on a few occasions, for all people to grasp that indescribable freedom of knowing who they are and knowing that they are enough just “as is.” They are not too much and they are not too little… just right.

So, life as I know it, is a constant outpouring of love. To the business man clad in Armani all the way down to the bum on the street who is afraid to make eye contact with me due to some idea we have in society about a social hierarchy. I want to break molds… I suppose I have a rebellious side in me. I don’t want to follow the status quo the world around me tries to superimpose in my life. I want to be known for my love because knowing that love means that a person has actually encountered God, regardless of if they believe in Him or not.

Love will solve all our problems in the world. Love is the key to contentment. And yes, I may sound like a hippie of sorts, but I will stand by the notion of the power of love til the day I die…and then on into eternity. Love is talked about in the Bible hundreds of times. Love is what people are always looking for… why else do we have eHarmony and all those other web date finders? Love is what at least half of music is written about. Love is what we dream of and long for our entire lives, and when we come in contact with genuine, selfless love, it is a treasure worth forsaking everything else in the world for. I cannot wait to see a generation set on fire with the power in that thought.

I love life. I love to live day to day experiencing God, talking with people, enjoying the time I’m given. It doesn’t last, and I want to look back on my life and see that I have invested it all wisely. I also want to look back and see that I’ve not wasted a drop of Jesus’ blood. So I live, and I live fully because Jesus died so that I could do just that. I love people. I love difficulty and hardship because it gives me the opportunity to see things through God’s eyes. Not always easy, but absolutely amazing.

And now I’m tired… hopefully I get to work tomorrow. Substitute’s days are never guaranteed. Kinda like life. I’ll leave you with that analogy for the evening… much love to you all. I hope you catch a glimpse of the King’s love for you today.

I have found that God is a God that likes to move…He likes differences, He loves diversity…He created it. He likes to take me out of my comfort zone right about the time it becomes such and to put me in places where I learn to submit to him. And in those places of strangeness, of inconceivable loneliness at time, of silence, of pure faith… that is where He teaches. His classroom is not one of lectures all the time, but one of action.

My world back here in America has kept moving while I was away… I knew it would. And yet I didn’t realize how differently my world in Australia would move. Neither is better or worse, just different. And now it’s my duty and joy to merge the two…to be able to live in this American world with the things I learned halfway across the world. Learning to love with a love I’ve experienced in new ways the past few months. Learning to live as Christ lived.

That’s ultimately all I want. I want to be like Jesus. I want to be a mirror. The spittin’ image of my Daddy. I want to talk like He talked, with the authority and power that he had, I want to see the way that He sees things, I want to forgive the way He forgave, I want to heal like Him, to have His understanding and wisdom, and most of all to have His love. There are days where I just ache to be with Him… to be able to absorb as much as I can from Him.

Worry. Today I was folding clothes, hanging out around the house when I saw a segment come on the Today show talking about chronic worrying. Research is showing that worry is partially linked to our DNA…hence the fact that we are imperfect from the fall and we’ve inherited Adam’s bloodline, including the part that worries. I could have told the researchers that and saved them millions of dollars. But then, the psychologist talked about how we are not stuck in that state… we do not have to worry. Yet another lesson I’ve learned from the Bible being put to practical use in society… too bad society tries to do it all without God as a general statement.

So what I’ve learned… I’ve learned that when things get out of perspective, when I start to focus on everything going on around me, when I feel like I’m starting to drown in my own thoughts and emotions, I can look at God and the excitement He has placed before me in what I am doing in life, and the furious chaos of life dies down to a still peace. A wise man once told a group of people not to worry about their lives. And so I will follow His lead. Why worry… what good will it do me? I cannot change the past, and what will happen will most likely not be affected positively by my over analyzing. So I will enjoy life. I will enjoy people, and I will enjoy God. And I will lay aside the addiction of worrying, of over-analyzing, of looking everywhere but at God.

It’s good to be home, but I have to have an outlet somewhere for the thoughts that come in the silence of my house. Therefore, I write.

2007…
…was a strange year. One that was actually divided down the middle as to the way it went. I lost and found myself in a year… I let go and picked up. I was broken beyond anything I’ve ever known and rebuilt. I had tears of sorrow and tears of excessive laughter. I thought I had left everything I ever knew and instead found out that I gained much more than I can ever know. I learned how to forgive, how to feel, how to learn, how to listen, how to speak, how to be. Have you ever had a moment where you ask “Why”, not because you’re mad, but just because the brokenness leaves you in a state of not understanding? I had my “whys” answered. I learned how to love in 2007 because I learned what love is. I learned how Love lives. I learned how it thinks, how it speaks. And 2008 is a time for living that out.

The dichotomy, the pain as well as the joy, had to exist. There was no other way for me to learn, no other way for me to grow. And in the middle of growing, the gut-wrenching nights of tears that never seemed to end, the lectures that hit to the core of where I was, the times the God of the universe became small enough to sit with me, to walk with me, every last bit of what growing pains look like, and I have come through the fire for this time of my life. I am being refined. And God is finding His reflection in me. And I won’t rest until He sees it.

I thought today about how I’d be going home in a week and realized I’ve reached another crossroads in life. Like everything else in life, I’m faced with a choice….a choice to pursue God harder than ever, to learn from Him, to grow with His help, to grasp His glory day by day… or to choose to take the “easier” road. To fall back into routine. I cannot say that I want that road…to take the easy road is to take the wide road….I want the narrow. I’ve been a girl of adventure and nature…I love backpacking in the mountains. Last time I went, I hiked to the top of a mountain….the very top. Had the hike up there not been a struggle, been difficult and trying and at times painful, the view from the top wouldn’t have been as breathtaking. Same with life.

God has called us to a life, not of monotony, but of devoted love to listen and follow, regardless of the cost. I have learned more about the economy of God over the past six weeks than I ever imagined I would, and the one conclusion I have come to: Jesus Christ is worth it all. He is worth leaving my home, my family and friends, my comfort, even the identity I had built myself around. He is worth so much more than I could ever give. And when I lay those things down, He gives them back to me, not as rights, but as gifts. And my identity… He has taken a broken, torn down girl and formed a confident daughter. Where there was insecurity now resides confidence….where doubt resided, hope took root. I’m learning what it looks like to live in faith. He never said the road would be easy or pain-free. But He promised it would be the best He had to offer… because He only gives His best. And so, even if I didn’t gain anything from Him, He would still be worth it all. Because He’s God. And I’m not.

Who I am…I don’t fully know that. But I know that I’m different. I hear it echoed in emails from people who haven’t even seen me yet over the past 6 months. And I know I am after God’s heart.

So….2008…
…what do you hold? I don’t know. And I’m okay with that because everyday is a gift to me. Praise God from whom all blessings flow….day to day I’m reminded of the blessings I have, most of all a God, a Daddy, who gives His all for me everyday. And a call, not to just “wrap up” during this time, during the beginning of this year, but rather to pursue even harder. I love my Daddy, I love my God. And I love His children….so this year is a year of love. To love hard, to love deep, to love even when it hurts and then to love some more. Because that’s what God did, and I want to be just like my Daddy.

The Lord says there is nothing you can do to make Him love you more. There is also nothing you can do to make Him love you less. He loves you because he loves you because he loves you because he loves you because he loves you because he loves you because he loves you because he loves you because that is what He is like. It is his nature to love, and you will always be the beloved. And his love is unchanging, and he loves you one hundred percent. He won’t love you any better when you become better.

He loves you one hundred percent right now. And even if you have no plans to become better, he will still love you a hundred percent because he loves you because that is the way He is. And even if you don’t want to change, he will love you one hundred percent, even if you have no plans to walk with him, he will still love you one hundred percent because that’s his nature. He loves all the way, all the time. His love is unchanging. “What will change,”says the Lord, “is your ability to receive my love. And this evening, I want to cram some more of that ability inside you.”

“So I challenge you,” says the Lord. “Open your heart to me. Open your heart to me and you will receive more of my love than you ever experienced before. I dare you,” says the Lord, “open your heart to me. Give me your heart, give me whatever your obstacle is, I’ll take it. I’ll remove it out of the way. Because I love you as you are right now. I love you one hundred percent as you are right this moment. I love you as you are.” So be loved. You are the beloved.

“It is your job,” says the Lord, “to be loved outrageously. It is why I chose you. That is why I set my love upon you, that you would live as one who is outrageously loved, that you would receive a radical love, so radical it’ll blow all your paradigms of what you think love is. And now,” says the Lord, “I will love you outrageously all the days of your life because I don’t know how to do any differently. This is who I am and this is who I will always be. This is the I Am that I promised you. I am He that loves you outrageously.”

“And you may love me back with the love that I give you. You may love me back outrageously with the outrageous love that I bestow upon you. And know this, says the Lord, you can only love me as much as you love yourself. So my love comes this evening to set you free from yourself. To set you free from how you see yourself, to set you free from the smallness of your own thinking about yourself. My love comes to set you free from rejection, and from shame, and from low self esteem, and from despair, and from abuse.”

“Because when I look at you,” says the Lord, “I see something that I love. I see someone that I can love outrageously. And I have so much to bestow upon you, so much to give you, so many places to take you in my heart. But you can’t go there unless you allow me to love you. And my love for you will break every barrier, bring every wall crashing down. And know this says the Lord, my love damages fear. My love hates fear. My love will fight fear, it will fight fear in you, it will fight fear around you, and if you have fear this evening, says the Lord, then know that you have a treat in store because my perfect love casts out fear. There is no fear where I am present because my love casts out fear. Beloved, you are my beloved. You are my beloved. And in my love I want you to feel good about yourself.”

This is my God’s heart towards you. I’m about to leave on outreach, and I don’t know how much communication I will have while I’m in the Solomons, but I want you to know before I leave that you are loved. Not just by me, but by my Father. More than you will ever know, and He desires to know you. He desires for you to desire Him. He wants time with you, not your leftover time, but your best time. He always gives you His best, without reserve. And thus He loves you. So much He would die for you. My hope for this Christmas season is that you would come to understand how He loves you. And I hope that you will see that through so many ways this Christmas, but most of all through just spending some time with Him, listening to what He is speaking and singing over you.

Merry Christmas to you all…may you find joy and peace this season in the middle of chaos and a heart of love towards all you meet.