You’re not alone

There are many times in life where I feel completely and utterly alone. I have a feeling other people feel this as well, and yet we just hole up and hope that no one else notices. At least that’s what I do.

I know I’m not the most outgoing person in the world. I’m not noticed as much in many situations just due to the fact that I don’t stand out like a neon 80’s t-shirt. And I’m ok with that…I don’t like to stand out. But sometimes being in that position can bring about a certain loneliness in my life. I think I’ve experienced that to some extent this week…I don’t really know where I “fit” yet in this new place in life. So I stand back and watch. I observe people, I observe situations…I am always looking and watching, seeing how people act, what they say. And this week I have felt terribly alone. I want to know where I belong…I want to feel like there really is a place for me in the middle of all the chaos known as life. And yet I have felt terribly unsure of my footing this week in so many different situations. I have felt like all I’ve done is try to get everything to fit in and in the process worn myself down to bits. All the while, of course, feeling pretty alone. To top it off, it seemed like I couldn’t do much really “well and right”. Possibly one of the worst combinations ever. My time with God has been drier than the Sahara and my prayers felt much more forced than natural. It’s been a rough week.

Needless to say, we had worship tonight, so I went. I needed time to just stop and relax. And then God decided to meet me and talk with me about a few things. First, he told me that I am not forgotten in his eyes….rather, he treasures me and calls me beautiful. He has sent me someone that by no means replaces God but rather gives me just a glimpse of the way God pursues me, which he reminded me of tonight. It is difficult to receive that when you feel so incredibly undeserving of the wonderful treatment you are getting. God is speaking to me about rejection. Typically, I’m able to ignore the idea of being rejected. And typically I don’t even really have to think about it because it doesn’t cross my mind. However, God decided to bring it up tonight and to deal rather severely with it. So he spoke truth over me. He told me who I am and what he sees…a beautiful daughter whom he delights in. How does someone receive that after years of feeling forgotten? I feel lost to the world sometimes, which isn’t always bad because it means I can pull away to be alone, but it’s also hard because I ache to be known.

So God told me, “You’re not alone.” Simple enough, but a whole lot to wrap my mind around. He never leaves me, he always hears me, and he always wants to be the rescuer in my life story. Wow. God never desires for me to feel alone, so the Holy Spirit is in me to testify to the extravagant love of God over me and how he never leaves me. My heart hurts to just understand this simple truth. I want it to be made real to me. And so here I sit.

I love God. I love how he speaks, how he works, how he desires for me to never feel alone. I love that the deepest longings of my heart are completely fulfilled by Him. I love how nothing in this world can separate me from his love and how nothing on this earth can ever snatch me out of his hand. I love how he knows exactly how I hurt because he’s felt alone as well. What an amazing God.

Do I still feel sorta alone? Yeah. Does it hurt as much? Not really. I know that tomorrow brings a fresh understanding to who God is and who I am as his beautiful daughter created in his image. I look forward to what he will teach. And I look forward to the time when I can be God’s hands and feet and heart to someone else who feels alone.

This entry was posted on July 10, 2008 at 7:34 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.