Pondering the New Year…

OK, so I know it’s a little slow in coming, but I’ve been unable to spend extended periods of time in front of a computer. Thoughts for the old and new years….

2007…
…was a strange year. One that was actually divided down the middle as to the way it went. I lost and found myself in a year… I let go and picked up. I was broken beyond anything I’ve ever known and rebuilt. I had tears of sorrow and tears of excessive laughter. I thought I had left everything I ever knew and instead found out that I gained much more than I can ever know. I learned how to forgive, how to feel, how to learn, how to listen, how to speak, how to be. Have you ever had a moment where you ask “Why”, not because you’re mad, but just because the brokenness leaves you in a state of not understanding? I had my “whys” answered. I learned how to love in 2007 because I learned what love is. I learned how Love lives. I learned how it thinks, how it speaks. And 2008 is a time for living that out.

The dichotomy, the pain as well as the joy, had to exist. There was no other way for me to learn, no other way for me to grow. And in the middle of growing, the gut-wrenching nights of tears that never seemed to end, the lectures that hit to the core of where I was, the times the God of the universe became small enough to sit with me, to walk with me, every last bit of what growing pains look like, and I have come through the fire for this time of my life. I am being refined. And God is finding His reflection in me. And I won’t rest until He sees it.

I thought today about how I’d be going home in a week and realized I’ve reached another crossroads in life. Like everything else in life, I’m faced with a choice….a choice to pursue God harder than ever, to learn from Him, to grow with His help, to grasp His glory day by day… or to choose to take the “easier” road. To fall back into routine. I cannot say that I want that road…to take the easy road is to take the wide road….I want the narrow. I’ve been a girl of adventure and nature…I love backpacking in the mountains. Last time I went, I hiked to the top of a mountain….the very top. Had the hike up there not been a struggle, been difficult and trying and at times painful, the view from the top wouldn’t have been as breathtaking. Same with life.

God has called us to a life, not of monotony, but of devoted love to listen and follow, regardless of the cost. I have learned more about the economy of God over the past six weeks than I ever imagined I would, and the one conclusion I have come to: Jesus Christ is worth it all. He is worth leaving my home, my family and friends, my comfort, even the identity I had built myself around. He is worth so much more than I could ever give. And when I lay those things down, He gives them back to me, not as rights, but as gifts. And my identity… He has taken a broken, torn down girl and formed a confident daughter. Where there was insecurity now resides confidence….where doubt resided, hope took root. I’m learning what it looks like to live in faith. He never said the road would be easy or pain-free. But He promised it would be the best He had to offer… because He only gives His best. And so, even if I didn’t gain anything from Him, He would still be worth it all. Because He’s God. And I’m not.

Who I am…I don’t fully know that. But I know that I’m different. I hear it echoed in emails from people who haven’t even seen me yet over the past 6 months. And I know I am after God’s heart.

So….2008…
…what do you hold? I don’t know. And I’m okay with that because everyday is a gift to me. Praise God from whom all blessings flow….day to day I’m reminded of the blessings I have, most of all a God, a Daddy, who gives His all for me everyday. And a call, not to just “wrap up” during this time, during the beginning of this year, but rather to pursue even harder. I love my Daddy, I love my God. And I love His children….so this year is a year of love. To love hard, to love deep, to love even when it hurts and then to love some more. Because that’s what God did, and I want to be just like my Daddy.

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