January 24, 2008 by amanda.stebbins.

Two worlds are colliding in my mind. The world I left in Australia and the world I meet here at home. It’s strange to me how six months has so much of an impact on me…how the time I spent in Australia became my everyday routine, and now my mind and my heart are trying to reconcile the past and the present. My life is changed. My heart is different. Who I am is not who I was, and yet it is. So many paradoxes.

I have found that God is a God that likes to move…He likes differences, He loves diversity…He created it. He likes to take me out of my comfort zone right about the time it becomes such and to put me in places where I learn to submit to him. And in those places of strangeness, of inconceivable loneliness at time, of silence, of pure faith… that is where He teaches. His classroom is not one of lectures all the time, but one of action.

My world back here in America has kept moving while I was away… I knew it would. And yet I didn’t realize how differently my world in Australia would move. Neither is better or worse, just different. And now it’s my duty and joy to merge the two…to be able to live in this American world with the things I learned halfway across the world. Learning to love with a love I’ve experienced in new ways the past few months. Learning to live as Christ lived.

That’s ultimately all I want. I want to be like Jesus. I want to be a mirror. The spittin’ image of my Daddy. I want to talk like He talked, with the authority and power that he had, I want to see the way that He sees things, I want to forgive the way He forgave, I want to heal like Him, to have His understanding and wisdom, and most of all to have His love. There are days where I just ache to be with Him… to be able to absorb as much as I can from Him.

Worry. Today I was folding clothes, hanging out around the house when I saw a segment come on the Today show talking about chronic worrying. Research is showing that worry is partially linked to our DNA…hence the fact that we are imperfect from the fall and we’ve inherited Adam’s bloodline, including the part that worries. I could have told the researchers that and saved them millions of dollars. But then, the psychologist talked about how we are not stuck in that state… we do not have to worry. Yet another lesson I’ve learned from the Bible being put to practical use in society… too bad society tries to do it all without God as a general statement.

So what I’ve learned… I’ve learned that when things get out of perspective, when I start to focus on everything going on around me, when I feel like I’m starting to drown in my own thoughts and emotions, I can look at God and the excitement He has placed before me in what I am doing in life, and the furious chaos of life dies down to a still peace. A wise man once told a group of people not to worry about their lives. And so I will follow His lead. Why worry… what good will it do me? I cannot change the past, and what will happen will most likely not be affected positively by my over analyzing. So I will enjoy life. I will enjoy people, and I will enjoy God. And I will lay aside the addiction of worrying, of over-analyzing, of looking everywhere but at God.

It’s good to be home, but I have to have an outlet somewhere for the thoughts that come in the silence of my house. Therefore, I write.

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January 12, 2008 by amanda.stebbins.

OK, so I know it’s a little slow in coming, but I’ve been unable to spend extended periods of time in front of a computer. Thoughts for the old and new years….

2007…
…was a strange year. One that was actually divided down the middle as to the way it went. I lost and found myself in a year… I let go and picked up. I was broken beyond anything I’ve ever known and rebuilt. I had tears of sorrow and tears of excessive laughter. I thought I had left everything I ever knew and instead found out that I gained much more than I can ever know. I learned how to forgive, how to feel, how to learn, how to listen, how to speak, how to be. Have you ever had a moment where you ask “Why”, not because you’re mad, but just because the brokenness leaves you in a state of not understanding? I had my “whys” answered. I learned how to love in 2007 because I learned what love is. I learned how Love lives. I learned how it thinks, how it speaks. And 2008 is a time for living that out.

The dichotomy, the pain as well as the joy, had to exist. There was no other way for me to learn, no other way for me to grow. And in the middle of growing, the gut-wrenching nights of tears that never seemed to end, the lectures that hit to the core of where I was, the times the God of the universe became small enough to sit with me, to walk with me, every last bit of what growing pains look like, and I have come through the fire for this time of my life. I am being refined. And God is finding His reflection in me. And I won’t rest until He sees it.

I thought today about how I’d be going home in a week and realized I’ve reached another crossroads in life. Like everything else in life, I’m faced with a choice….a choice to pursue God harder than ever, to learn from Him, to grow with His help, to grasp His glory day by day… or to choose to take the “easier” road. To fall back into routine. I cannot say that I want that road…to take the easy road is to take the wide road….I want the narrow. I’ve been a girl of adventure and nature…I love backpacking in the mountains. Last time I went, I hiked to the top of a mountain….the very top. Had the hike up there not been a struggle, been difficult and trying and at times painful, the view from the top wouldn’t have been as breathtaking. Same with life.

God has called us to a life, not of monotony, but of devoted love to listen and follow, regardless of the cost. I have learned more about the economy of God over the past six weeks than I ever imagined I would, and the one conclusion I have come to: Jesus Christ is worth it all. He is worth leaving my home, my family and friends, my comfort, even the identity I had built myself around. He is worth so much more than I could ever give. And when I lay those things down, He gives them back to me, not as rights, but as gifts. And my identity… He has taken a broken, torn down girl and formed a confident daughter. Where there was insecurity now resides confidence….where doubt resided, hope took root. I’m learning what it looks like to live in faith. He never said the road would be easy or pain-free. But He promised it would be the best He had to offer… because He only gives His best. And so, even if I didn’t gain anything from Him, He would still be worth it all. Because He’s God. And I’m not.

Who I am…I don’t fully know that. But I know that I’m different. I hear it echoed in emails from people who haven’t even seen me yet over the past 6 months. And I know I am after God’s heart.

So….2008…
…what do you hold? I don’t know. And I’m okay with that because everyday is a gift to me. Praise God from whom all blessings flow….day to day I’m reminded of the blessings I have, most of all a God, a Daddy, who gives His all for me everyday. And a call, not to just “wrap up” during this time, during the beginning of this year, but rather to pursue even harder. I love my Daddy, I love my God. And I love His children….so this year is a year of love. To love hard, to love deep, to love even when it hurts and then to love some more. Because that’s what God did, and I want to be just like my Daddy.

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