February 22, 2010 by amanda.stebbins.

I walked out of my room just a minute ago and, to my slight surprise, there is snow on the ground outside that has fallen over the course of the past few hours. I’m in the middle of a winter wonderland, and the silence outside is beautiful. And yes, silence can be beautiful.

I returned to the States a little over a week ago, also to snow in Dallas. Within the span of a day, my time in Australia had come to a close and a new beginning is happening. It amazes me that only two weeks ago, I was sweating every ounce of water out and now I am surrounded by sparkly whiteness that I haven’t seen in about two years. It’s amazing how fast life can change.

What about these changes that have occurred over the past three years of my life… never would I have thought that these years would end up being some of the most formative of my life. I feel like I’ve had the breath of God breathe on me and something has come alive in me. I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone unless they’ve had the same experience, but that’s the best way I can describe it. Being fully alive is a lot of fun; I can’t really imagine going back.

I have been asked about Australia multiple times over the past week, and I’ve realized that it is very difficult to put into words what all happened there. I would liken many of my experiences to what it would be like to learn to swim with all your winter clothes on. There’s a few layers to get rid of and then I could be free to move around and to go places. One of the things I’m most grateful for is having leaders around me who saw what I could not see within me and put me in the situations and places where I had to discover those things about me with God. I am thankful for these men and women who saw with the heart of God and who enabled me to learn to see clearly as well.

As I look at my life from 2007 and look at it now, I see a marked difference. I cannot pinpoint where it all happened, but I feel alive. I cannot even imagine what comes next. This is not the end but rather a beginning. I’ve heard people say that their DTS was the best time of their lives. I refuse to believe that because I know that there’s so much more beyond this. So as I’m reminded that I’m not in Oz anymore as the plummeting temperatures ever so kindly remind me, I see a new journey ahead of me now. I don’t know what to expect, but I do know that there is a lot and that I don’t want to settle for something when I could have the experience of a lifetime with a Father who is more real than anything I see or touch.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

November 10, 2009 by amanda.stebbins.

A few funny things I’ve realized lately:
- When you’re from Texas and traveling internationally, anytime someone asks you where you are from, you first say “Texas”…and then qualify the statement by saying that it’s in the US. We are practically our own nation, after all.
- It is super easy to assume the rest of the world functions on our system, not the worldwide used metric system.
- No matter how much you have to get done, you only have so many hours in a day and sometimes it just won’t work. Even if you hurry.
- Communication is a must. Absolute. Must. All areas of life. No exceptions.
- When there are fresh baked chocolate chip cookies out, no one can resist.
- Living in a little cabin in the woods is awesome. Especially when you can drive 10 minutes and get to ocean.
- Weddings are ridiculously expensive to fund. It’s like putting a kid through college all over again, except in the span of a few hours you cover a year’s worth of tuition.
- As I get older, time goes faster. It’s a mystery that I may never fully understand.
- No matter how long a recipe says it’ll take to make, it always takes me at least 1.5 times the amount of time to cook whatever recipe it may be.

It’s raining, and it has been for the past several days on and off. In my little cabin in the woods, I have a 270 degree view of this beautiful rain, and this is the first timee in a while that I’ve just sat down to enjoy it and to be quiet. The past month has been a whirlwind of preparing for students, getting everything done so they can be here, moving into this wonderful house, doing last minute preparations, beginning the school, and not looking back. Sometimes I get to the end of a week and realize that I feel like it should still be Monday.

More things I’m learning:
- Leadership is much more than just a title slapped on to the end of a name. Leadership is a refining process… stuck in the fire and purified time after time after time.
- I, in myself, am unable to do everything that is before me at this moment. I’ve learned a greater dependence on God than I’ve known before. God’s grace is sufficient. It’s actually more than sufficient. I’m learning the meaning of that more day in and day out.
- God gives me what I need, even before I ask. He sent me a wonderful woman to take care of the kitchen for the first three weeks of the school, and I couldn’t have done it on my own. I’m overwhelmed by his goodness and ability to see my need and meet it before the need even arises. Wow.

I could speak of the amazing ways that God has provided over the past several months for me for hours and hours. I probably do on a regular basis. What a wonderful God. Do you know and believe how wonderful He is? Seriously.

I am tired. It’s been a crazy month. It’s been a crazy several months actually. I’m learning to sit still with Jesus now, even when I feel like I can’t or shouldn’t be. The beauty of it all is that when I sit still, when I just sit at the feet of Jesus, everything comes together. I don’t have to worry about a thing. No matter how much there is to do, it gets done. No matter how little money I have for the food budget, it is enough. No matter how tired I am, I have tended to wake up before my alarm in the mornings when it goes off at 6. No matter how much learning what leadership is about, God is always there to pick me up when I fall and to make beauty out of what I have to give.

I was talking the other day…well, a few weeks ago now…with one of the women here and it was raining that day. Airlie Beach doesn’t usually get rain in this area until December. No rain at all. But it’s been raining off and on for a month or so now…. amazing. Rain is bringing life to this land again, and God is breathing life into this area. He’s breathing life into me again, breathing life into this school…and it’s exciting. I need Jesus. Desperately. Wow…I can’t even describe how much I need him.

The to-do lists tend to grow. The number of things that need to be accomplished never seems to shorten…once I finish one thing, another two are added. What a multiplication phenomenon. Sleep ebbs and flows. Decisions need to be made, and somehow, somewhere along the line, I became the decision maker. And yet, in the middle of it all, in the middle of the chaos that life can be sometimes, God is strong and firmly rooted.

Two things about my God….he is loving and he is strong. I am constantly overwhelmed by God. He is always enough.

So, it rains. Stillness comes. God’s presence is here. I take each step as it comes. I have a deep need that goes beyond words to have a God who is big enough to handle this school, this life. May this be the theme of my life forever…that I need you, Jesus, and that I run this race well with you.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

March 3, 2009 by amanda.stebbins.

Well, exciting news for some…I got the go ahead to paint our kitchen! YAY! That means that after I finish my shopping spree tomorrow for food that I can go in the afternoon and find paint samples of which I will use to redo our kitchen. I’m trying to note all the places that need touching up, etc., but most of all, I’m excited to get to work in a space that I actually WANT to be in.

The kitchen and I have a pretty amiable relationship at the moment. Apart from it’s ability to collect all kinds of things such as a stereo system and flies when I have raw meat and of course the complete lack of air conditioning in the middle of summer, we get along well. My project for this week: go through all the utensils and gadgets and find what works and what doesn’t. We have a number of knives that belong in the kitchen graveyard, but no one to throw them out. I also get to go shopping sometime to find the things that the kitchen needs… it’s Christmas in March for me

It’s a fun time to be in the kitchen.

Other than that, life is going well. It’s much different to the past several months that I’ve been here because I am working a more regular job with regular hours. I’m done at 5:30 every night and I have all weekends free…absolutely nothing to do other than what I want to do. I am also visiting a retirement home in our neighborhood on Saturdays, and so far that has been a wonderful blessing to the people there. They are so sweet and just want someone to invest into their lives. I’ve realized that society does in a way neglect the older citizens. It makes me sad because they deserve and need abundant life as well. I also think of when I’m 95… I’m going to want to be doing adventurous things still…even if it isn’t mountain climbing necessarily. There’s a quality of life that I want to have, and it’s the quality of life that I really want these people to have as well. I don’t know what all I can do for them, but I do know that the presence of a friendly face doesn’t hurt one bit. So, my Saturday afternoons are dedicated to the older generation, and I love it.

I have begun the process of learning to drive in Australia… it’s odd. Driving on the right side of the car on the left side of the road is slightly outrageous. Next up… mastering the standard on the hills of Brisbane. That’s this week’s project, and I think it will be a fun one. Hopefully by this time next week I will be growing more accustomed to this backwardsness of life.

And no, I did not wreck nor did I injure anyone or anything. I am an excellent driver with a pretty solid track record. No tickets and only one wreck due to hydroplaning. Oh, environmental circumstances.

I’ll relay my roommate’s story about getting our new couch. So, we were wanting a new couch because our old one is hideous and uncomfortable. So my roommate went to go pick up the couch that we thought we wanted, but then she fell in love with another couch. Upon closer look, she saw that the couch was $1200, not including the tax that got chunked on there. But she loved the couch and proceeded to tell God that she reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally liked the couch, but she only had $50. So she went up to the front counter, about to buy the other couches, and asked just in case to see how much the amazing couch was. The guy said that the couch wasn’t on the “no cushions” list (that’s why we were getting the couches so cheaply…they’re brand new minus a few cushions), but he went to the back and looked for the cushions. However, he could not locate them, so he told my roommate we could have the couch for……..$50!!!!!!!!! Wohoo! So, she’s been busy trying to make the cushions because she’s an excellent seamstress and soon we shall have a brand new, really nice, $50 couch to enjoy. That’s right. God likes to hide cushions.

So that’s life. Nothing too absolutely out of the normal, but it is fun and it is life, and it’s always an adventure. I’m waiting not so patiently for the heat and humidity to go away and am looking forward to returning home to the States in less than three months for my short break from Australia. Crazy to think it will have nearly been a year since I’ve been home by the time I get there. Exactly 11 months to be precise. Insane, but oh so fun. Next time I’ll hopefully figure out how to put pictures on here so you can see my new kitchen!!! Well, sort of. It will feel new. More fun and projects to be had Love to you all!!!

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

February 13, 2009 by amanda.stebbins.

I always start to write on here and for some reason just end up saving a dozen drafts without ever finishing. Time to finish one. The subject of my thoughts today: failure.

People don’t usually talk about failure. It’s an avoided subject. It’s the big elephant in the room that tends to just get ignored even though everyone’s thinking about it. I think a lot on my walks up to the base… it takes me about 15 minutes to get here, and most times I’m alone, which leaves me with myself and God to talk to, so I generally get to thinking about something on the way up and then back. Today, it’s failure as noted before.

I wonder how many well known leaders struggled with the idea of being failures at some point along their road. I just googled quotes about failing, and in reading them, most of them talk about the bright side of failing, that there’s something great that comes out of failure. But somehow quotes don’t seem to capture the feeling people experience during failure or at least the feeling of it. I was watching Gilmore Girls this afternoon, and lo and behold, the episode that was on was concerning failure in two of the characters’ lives. It’s crazy how God can speak to me even through a TV show. He is a creative communicator. I suppose that’s what got me to thinking about failure this afternoon and about all the times in the past 8 months namely that I have felt like a complete and total failure.

Sometimes I get this idea in my head that I’m supposed to be Superman with the exception of the weakness to kryptonite. It’s not a constant thing, but it does tend to weasel it’s way into my mind and protrude out of my thoughts and actions. Much to the surprise of many, I do not like to be weak. I do not like to mess up, I do not like to make bad grades, I do not like to forget things, and I do not like to fail people. However, I have done all of the above. Failure has been a part of my life. Failure has never been final… it has not ended everything as I know it. It has taught me, and I can testify to the truth of some of the cliche quotes that I found on Google. But I hate to fail. I hate the feeling of failure.

I don’t think there’s a person in the world who truly wants to fail, whether in relationships or work or life. That’s not the way we were created. I have a feeling that someone that reads this will have had failure spoken over their life or their work somewhere in the past and that it has haunted you day in and day out. And so comes this conversation that I had with God today… I think it’s for you as well. You have not been created as a failure. From the day you were born, God has been proud of you. He is proud of the work you do, even if it doesn’t work sometimes. He is proud of how you want to be friends with people, even if they don’t want to be friends with you or you let them down sometimes. But most of all, He is proud of who you are. You are not defined by the things that you do, the friends that you have, or the accolades you’ve received. You are the unconditionally loved child of the Most High God. Regardless of what you do or do not do, regardless of the times you’ve screwed up, regardless even of if you love Him back or not, He loves you.

I’m learning that failing doesn’t equivalate to being a “failure.” It does not become who I am. My life is not marked by failure but by victory. Same goes for you. Sometimes failing happens. Sometimes I will mess up. But that’s ok because it doesn’t define me. I think this is more processing for myself than for anyone else, but I’ve learned that in processing things “out loud”, it somehow makes sense to other people. Hence why I think out loud, at least in writing. Then you can choose to listen in or not

I think life is the best way of learning things. I can sit in classrooms all day long and not learn things half as well as if I experience them myself. I certainly don’t remember them as well. Sometimes the lessons that failure throws at me are ones that I’d rather just run from. I’ve found myself this past week trying to run from certain things, but running away has never helped me. Not once. And life experience has taught me that regardless of how fast or how far I run, the things I run from eventually catch up to me anyways. Nothing really ever disappears unless you are terribly forgetful. It just gets filed away in the recesses of your brain til something brings it up again, whether that’s the next day or years in the future. Who knows… maybe it’s just me with my weird knack for remembering every obscure thing that is said or happens to me, or maybe it actually is the way that people work. I’ll let you decide.

Running from the times I’ve failed seems like a ridiculous idea in retrospect. To go along with all the cliche phrases that have come to mind since I started writing this entire thing, history does repeat itself. Life happens in cycles, there is a rhythm. Learn. Don’t ignore. That’s what I find to be the much needed truth in this adventure I find myself in. To run from a learning experience is to just postpone your learning. I’d rather just learn and move on.

So. Somehow I come into this thinking the worst about failure, and by the end of my writing, I once again find that what I initially thought was this huge horrible thing really just turns out to be another way of learning, and I love to learn. I am a learner at heart and will forever be so.

More thoughts to come.

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

November 8, 2008 by amanda.stebbins.

I have heard from many sources that we have a new president. I’m kinda bummed that I missed the significant acceptance speech as well as will be missing the inauguration of our 44th president. Political views aside, I do look forward to what is to come for our country and feel a respect and love for our new leader to be. I am learning what it looks like to respect and love a person, even if I don’t agree with everything that they think or do. Love is not contingent upon anything or else it is not love. I am concerned for the wellbeing of our new president, for the safety and the health of him as he comes under this new time of his life as well as a new time for our country, and I think more than ever, I want to support him in prayer. My hope is that the church as a whole in the United States will find unity under love in this time and come together to pray for this man and the trials that he will undergo as our president.

I continue to learn a lot about leadership, both in doing and in reading. I worked my way through Joshua, Judges, Ruth, and 1 Samuel over the road trip, and I continued to learn heaps about what it looks like to be a leader. Some principles I’ve taken away from my reading:

1) Leaders themselves are always in submission to someone or something else. There is not a person on this earth who is not in submission to something whether it is God, work, money, other men, their personal struggles, etc. There’s a Bob Dylan song that says, “You’ve gotta serve somebody.” So true. What defines the way a person leads is what they submit to, and those things or people or God that they submit to will in turn affect the way that they lead and the ultimate outcome of their leadership. God told the Israelites that if they would only submit to Him as their leader, they would find that all nations would be driven out before them and that they would find every one of His promises fulfilled. However, if they didn’t submit to His authority, God would turn away from them and be against them. This, of course, is a loving act from a just God to bring them back into righteousness, but that’s a letter in and of itself.

2) Leaders are not perfect. We talked some this week about leadership and the ridiculous demands that it can place upon the individual in the position, to the point where the person feels as if they need to be perfect. Leaders are to be beyond reproach, but this will be a natural result of living a life of intimacy with God. Once again, that which we submit ourselves to will ultimately define the way we live our lives… it’s just the natural outworking of submission. However, God’s grace does cover us for the times when we do mess up as leaders. The unrealistic expectation for leaders to be perfect is damaging at best because, really, who can live up to an expectation of perfection? Even the best person in the world has messed up at one time or another (apart from Jesus). Now, this is also not a way to excuse poor behavior on part of the leader; leaders are people of character, which leads me to the next thing that I learned.

3) Leaders are not elected by people, but rather by God for the way that they live their lives. People throughout the Bible were chosen for leadership by God. Many times, the leaders could not have even existed apart from God; a recurring theme in the Old Testament is that leaders were born to women whose wombs were barren. Many leaders were selected from unlikely circumstances. Some leaders were considered to be the least of those who were even options for the job at hand. God sees beyond what men see; he sees the heart and the integrity of the people. We are drawn to people who lead well because there is wisdom in that person. Elections aren’t bad, but elections also don’t always describe how a person lives their life.

4) Good leaders are well versed in servanthood. The leaders that God gave us to look at in the Bible served, and they were pictures of what Jesus would be the complete picture of in the New Testament. The Old Testament is a sign pointing to who Jesus is, and I’m reading it right now as that very thing. There is something to the concept of knowing how to serve those you are leading. Leaders gain the respect and honor of those that they lead when they can serve well. People know that they can trust their leaders in this very position. It is a very backwards way of approaching leadership because this world teaches us that to lead, you must push everyone else down and you must elevate yourself. I don’t know why it works the way it does, but I do know that these principles actually do work. God is the source of all wisdom and knowledge, and I trust that what He says is actually the best way of doing things. Put it to the test and see what happens yourself.

That’s just a little of what I gleaned from my reading this week. I think a lot about leadership because I’m in that position at the moment and I’m seeing the implications of A) the attitudes I have and B) the attitudes those whom I lead have. I do hope to find the church unite together more and more as days, months, and years progress, but I think that unity is something we will have to fight for. Unity is something that the enemy hates and thus it will be attacked greatly. Unity in families, in small groups, in nations will be under even greater attack than before. To defend ourselves is also to defend each other. Leadership is not so much about flexing our accolades muscles as much as it is about teaching one another how to walk together and to defend each other, about serving so that others may learn to serve. It’s something I do not want to take for granted, but rather to treat with sobriety so that those I lead will in turn go on to lead even better than I ever could.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

August 26, 2008 by amanda.stebbins.

What is love anyways?

This past week I spent time on the Gold Coast, specifically Surfers’ Paradise, getting to talk to people about God, who He is, who Jesus is, etc. I had some of the most amazing conversations I’ve had in a long time. The people I spoke with actually wanted to talk about beliefs, unlike so many times when evangelism tries to happen in the west. There were on average about 50 of us doing this. There are stories of people coming to believe in Jesus as the Son of God who died for their sins. There are countless stories of this just being discussed. It was one of the best weeks I’ve had in a long time, and definitely one of the best weeks I’ve had in evangelism ever.

Now what if I were to say that these people are from the Middle East….from Bahrain, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, United Arab Emirates, Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan….

I have recognized in my own country that there has been a lot of distrust expressed towards Muslims and Muslim nations due to many different things in the past. I have seen hatred towards these people, words spoken out against these people, and a whole lot of negativity spoken over these nations. I see on the news the effects of war. I saw what happened years ago from my desk in history what happened when Osama bin Laden saw the fulfillment of what he had been planning for who knows how long. I see these countries and the pain that occurs within the people as well as the pain that occurs within my own culture because of the conflicts happening that involve us as a nation and sometimes as individuals. I can see where bitterness and hatred can arise.

Yet…this week I was faced with a reality. Those that we so quickly judge and call our enemies are our brothers and sisters. They are the neighbors that we are called to love. It makes me sad actually to see the way that the media can portray the Middle East and the people over there. I will not doubt the reality of the things that we see on CNN, but at the same time the very people that we are so quick to cast judgment upon many times are some of the sweetest, most hospitable, most upstanding people I have met. I cannot tell you how many people from our group, as complete strangers, were invited out for coffee or invited back to the family’s condo to come eat and just talk with them. Many of the families that we talked with have already extended an open invitation to us to come to their homes and they will show us around their country and teach us about their customs and traditions at home.

I feel sometimes like I’m stuck in between two worlds. I also have a group of men in the military that I am praying for while they are in Iraq. I want both sides to experience the love of God. So my prayers for our military is that they would come to know Christ in a deep relationship, so much so that it is physically evident to those around them, and for safety, that they would all return home to their families and friends. For the Middle Eastern culture, I pray that they will see the love of God upon our troops and be drawn into the heart of God. I pray safety upon them as well. I think most of all, I want the Muslim people to come to an understanding of what freedom exists in the love of Christ….and also something I learned from God the other day.

For Muslims, keeping the law is pertinent because, if they sin, according to their religion, they will be punished for that sin and then it goes on a tally board that tips the scales after they die to determine if they go to heaven or to hell. No one in the Muslim faith knows where they will end up, and so they spend their life striving after doing good things, hoping it will be enough for them.

I was reading a book a few days ago, and God spoke to me about the law. In the Old Testament, there are a lot of laws that God laid out for the people to follow. The law defined unrighteousness and sin, and it says in the New Testament that the law was created for the sinful people. I didn’t really understand this. So, after thinking and processing with God, I came to understand something. When Adam and Eve were first created, they did not need a law because they walked in perfect relationship with God. As long as they walked in that relationship, enjoying God, learning from Him, spending time with him, and most of all loving Him, there was no need for a law. God created us for relationship. However, we decided to break that relationship by becoming selfish. In breaking relationship with God, we could no longer return to Him and reconcile that relationship out of our own strength. Letting go of relationship with God is ultimately death because God is the only source of life…that is why sin is death. It tears us away from our source of life.

So, God laid out the law, not because we were supposed to be able to earn our way back to God- that is impossible- but because it defines how we break relationship with God. The law shows us a picture of what it is to lack love for God. Since we are human beings, who innately are sinful, we have this innate desire to be independent of God, which shows a complete lack of love for Him. The law came so that we could understand what it looks like to not walk in relationship with God.

In comes Jesus, who is fully human but fully God at the same time and is able to fulfill the law. This did not mean that he legalistically kept every single commandment and law God had laid out in the Old Testament…. it meant that He walked in perfect relationship with His Father. Not once in Jesus’ life did He ever turn away from God and choose to be independent of Him. Never. Because of this, the Bible says that the law was fulfilled through Jesus. Jesus walked in perfect love with God. Wow.

So Jesus, who has been the only human ever to walk in perfect relationship and in perfect love with the Father, became the atoning sacrifice for all of us who have turned away from God at one point or another. Through His sacrifice, we now have a promise. The law does not give life, but the promise of God does. The law that was fulfilled in Jesus’ life is now our inheritance. As we choose to walk in relationship with God, the law is fulfilled in us as well, but only because of Jesus. Jesus has restored us to be able to have relationship with God once again.

Galatians 5:21 talks about the things that result from a sinful nature and from us choosing to walk apart from God. These are the things that the law has defined. But the next verse talks about the things that result from us walking with God…the fruit of the Spirit…and then it goes on to say that against such things there is no law. This is because these are the things that result from us walking with God. This is the way life was intended to be, and love,joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control will just happen on their own as we walk in relationship with God.

I think as Christians, we see it to be a lot easier as well sometimes to just strive for good works. The sad thing is is that when we strive to do something good, we are not doing it with God, and our very best efforts are still tacked to the law because, apart from relationship with God, we are stuck to the law. Relationship with God does take time. It takes effort. It takes investment. That relationship, however, will be the wellspring of life for people. It is the source of everything good that we can do because our doing results from our being. Our fruit results from our abiding in God. Anything we try to do apart from Him is worthless because, like Ecclesiastes talks about, it is a chasing after the wind.

This is my desire for the Muslim nations. This is my desire for Christian nations as well. Relationship with God is everything. It is the source of everything. It will be the only way this world is changed permanently for good. This is what I desire to see rooted deep into my life, into the lives of my students here, and into the lives of people who want to know Jesus, whether they are Christians already or not. Our identity comes not from our works, from the fruit of our labor, but rather from our Daddy in heaven who has placed His heart in us and His authority on us. I want to cease striving and just being a daughter of God. From there, everything else will form naturally. I will not be able to help it….love will just be who I am.

This is my prayer for you. Regardless of where you are at, regardless of if you know God or not. My hope is that you see that God wants to be in relationship with you. He has created you to be in relationship with Him. He loves you, and He wants to give you rest forever from striving so that you can see yourself grow up to be like Him, the way it was always meant to be. You are created in His image….allow Him to be the one to call that image out of you. It is His joy and delight to see Himself formed in you day by day.

Seriously. The God who created this universe loves you. How awesome is that.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

July 15, 2008 by amanda.stebbins.

The topic of the week has been leadership…what makes a good leader, how to lead, etc…..it will be the topic of discussion for the next three weeks. The school that I’m a part of right now is called the Basic Leadership School, or BLS for short. I’ve only been in class for two days, but I feel like my head could potentially explode with the thoughts that I have processed through over the past 48 hours.

What is leadership? It seems like the majority of the world I know would classify it as what happens when you work and schmooze your way to the top where you have influence and power. Leadership many times seems like it becomes synonymous with corrupt in society. The leadership that a great majority of people experience is not the kind of leadership that shouldd be experienced.

Leadership is a necessary part of society…there is no way to exist without it. No matter how hard you try, it is nearly impossible to go through life without some sort of leadership…either yourself leading or you following. It’s sad to think that the picture we get of leadership in life is a picture of tyranny to one extreme or a picture of a weak willed person who allows anyone to sway them.

I just finished a book called “A Tale of Three Kings” today…it talked about Saul, David, and Absalom. The book starts out by talking about how David was anointed early in life to become king, but no one recognized that he was king nor did they recognize his authority. He walked in submission to Saul, a king/leader who walked in insecurity, gripping tightly to his power, claiming that it is “his right.” He became so insecure that he decided to throw spears at David, attempting to kill him because he knew that David was to take his throne at some point. Saul just didn’t know how it would come to pass…whether by natural means or by force.

The book also procedes to talk about how we all have a King Saul inside of us. We are all insecure at best when it comes to trying to lead out of our own idea of what leadership is. The self-centered, egotistical, insecure way of leadership we hail in our culture. The question is, will we allow God to strip us of that kind of leadership? Are we willing to let go of that which seems comfortable and natural and safe to pursue a different kind of leadership? The kind of leadership that God calls us to is wrought with difficulty, with pain and with sacrifice. We are called to be servants rather than to be served. We are to be humble rather than prideful. We are to expect difficulty rather than run from it, because it is in the midst of pain that a beautiful thing is born. Pain will bear growth…it will bear life. David bore the pain and the weight quietly. He withstood through the struggle, and as a result, a great leader was born.

David would not rebel against the authority in his life, but rather became broken through his experiences with an authoritarian figure as his king. He would not disgrace or disrespect his king, but rather honored him despite his corruption. David left alone when he left Saul’s presence. He went out to escape death and ended up wandering for quite a while. Suffering was his best friend as he laid, probably wondering what was to come of the anointing that Samuel had poured on him. In the meantime, he wrote songs out of brokenness. In this brokenness, he found the humility necessary to make him a great king. David became a leader in this time, not because he necessarily was seeking leadership, but because God had created him as a leader and people just naturally started to follow him. He refused to give into bitterness that would tear down his life and put his focus back on himself; rather, he accepted what he was given and continued living, growing in the leadership he needed.

Many years later, after David had become king and had been in power for a long time, his son Absalom became rebellious. He wanted his father’s throne and began to show hints of going after it. David was once again faced with a decision, this time whether to transform into the Saul that had inflicted so much pain on David as he was growing and learning and to force Absalom into submission, or to allow Absalom to make his own decisions and risk losing his kingdom. David could have easily subdued Absalom with just a word, and yet he did not want to become another Saul. So instead he did nothing.

David recognized that his leadership was from God, not from man, and that it was God’s decision, not his own, to try to hold the kingdom. David understood that God had anointed him for leading and God was the one who allowed him to function in that position for as long as He wanted. David remained humble in his leadership, understanding that God’s understanding is so much greater than his own, and he was willing to trust God when it came to keeping or forfeiting his kingdom.

Being in a position of leadership is a lot of responsibility to God, to others, and to yourself. Being a leader in the kingdom of God is equivalent to serving all, even the least of those you meet. Even the ones I don’t feel like associating with. Even the ones who do not agree with me. As a leader, I’m called to forfeit my rights in light of others. I was talking with our base director and one of my friends tonight about the base and leadership, and this thought crossed my mind. If we are desiring positions of influence, we will be given the chance to impact other’s lives. What kind of influence do we wish to have? I desire for my actions and words to measure up fully to that which God has called me to, and that at times will require that I sacrifice some of my own rights for the good of others or for the good of a community. It’s hard to sacrifice, but it is completely worth it in light of seeing someone else get closer to God or just becoming a better person overall. I want to remove all barriers I can out of my own life to be able to encourage others and push them beyond where I am. It is an honor to be in leadership, and similarly it is an honor to serve. When leadership becomes selfless, people notice because it is counter-cultural and counter-intuitive. Everything inside me that is of my flesh screams for me to just satisfy myself, to do what is easiest for me. And yet the leadership of Christ calls me to the opposite standard. It calls me to die to myself and to honor the poor, the rude, the mean and the quiet. It calls me to give up my rights so that another may live. And, in light of seeing someone else come alive, the sacrifice is not so great after all. It is rather a joy to see a seed take root and flower.

Leadership is servanthood. True leadership will come in the form of humility and will be birthed out of sacrifice and some suffering. Leadership looks to the good of others rather than the good of ourselves. Our world needs leadership like this, the kind that is willing to die so that others may live.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

July 10, 2008 by amanda.stebbins.

There are many times in life where I feel completely and utterly alone. I have a feeling other people feel this as well, and yet we just hole up and hope that no one else notices. At least that’s what I do.

I know I’m not the most outgoing person in the world. I’m not noticed as much in many situations just due to the fact that I don’t stand out like a neon 80’s t-shirt. And I’m ok with that…I don’t like to stand out. But sometimes being in that position can bring about a certain loneliness in my life. I think I’ve experienced that to some extent this week…I don’t really know where I “fit” yet in this new place in life. So I stand back and watch. I observe people, I observe situations…I am always looking and watching, seeing how people act, what they say. And this week I have felt terribly alone. I want to know where I belong…I want to feel like there really is a place for me in the middle of all the chaos known as life. And yet I have felt terribly unsure of my footing this week in so many different situations. I have felt like all I’ve done is try to get everything to fit in and in the process worn myself down to bits. All the while, of course, feeling pretty alone. To top it off, it seemed like I couldn’t do much really “well and right”. Possibly one of the worst combinations ever. My time with God has been drier than the Sahara and my prayers felt much more forced than natural. It’s been a rough week.

Needless to say, we had worship tonight, so I went. I needed time to just stop and relax. And then God decided to meet me and talk with me about a few things. First, he told me that I am not forgotten in his eyes….rather, he treasures me and calls me beautiful. He has sent me someone that by no means replaces God but rather gives me just a glimpse of the way God pursues me, which he reminded me of tonight. It is difficult to receive that when you feel so incredibly undeserving of the wonderful treatment you are getting. God is speaking to me about rejection. Typically, I’m able to ignore the idea of being rejected. And typically I don’t even really have to think about it because it doesn’t cross my mind. However, God decided to bring it up tonight and to deal rather severely with it. So he spoke truth over me. He told me who I am and what he sees…a beautiful daughter whom he delights in. How does someone receive that after years of feeling forgotten? I feel lost to the world sometimes, which isn’t always bad because it means I can pull away to be alone, but it’s also hard because I ache to be known.

So God told me, “You’re not alone.” Simple enough, but a whole lot to wrap my mind around. He never leaves me, he always hears me, and he always wants to be the rescuer in my life story. Wow. God never desires for me to feel alone, so the Holy Spirit is in me to testify to the extravagant love of God over me and how he never leaves me. My heart hurts to just understand this simple truth. I want it to be made real to me. And so here I sit.

I love God. I love how he speaks, how he works, how he desires for me to never feel alone. I love that the deepest longings of my heart are completely fulfilled by Him. I love how nothing in this world can separate me from his love and how nothing on this earth can ever snatch me out of his hand. I love how he knows exactly how I hurt because he’s felt alone as well. What an amazing God.

Do I still feel sorta alone? Yeah. Does it hurt as much? Not really. I know that tomorrow brings a fresh understanding to who God is and who I am as his beautiful daughter created in his image. I look forward to what he will teach. And I look forward to the time when I can be God’s hands and feet and heart to someone else who feels alone.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

July 8, 2008 by amanda.stebbins.

Today has been my thinking day. I have a lot to think about around here…it’s like one huge think tank where I’m constantly being pushed deeper and deeper to discover more about God, more about myself, more about life. Today’s thoughts rested on simplicity.

I think life has become overanalyzed. Moreso, I think a lot of times, our relationship with God becomes too complicated in our own minds. I know I have gotten trapped into the corner before of thinking that I have to bring this huge list of things before him. It’s almost at times like I’ve forgotten how to have a relationship…it turns into something much more goal driven than allowing myself to enjoy the journey.

We also talked in our community meeting yesterday about how we must continue going back to the basics in our faith because nothing will be achieved without the fundamentals. I heard that word many times over in my life and it’s finally starting to sink in….until the fundamentals are established, how can we ever expect to grow? If a tree cannot send its roots down into the ground, there is no basis at all for the rest of the tree to stand upon. It will fall out or blow over with the slightest wind. I think it applies just as much if not moreso to the Christian way of life. Until we are willing to devote ourselves to even the most seemingly basic things of our walk like spending time with God and praying, how can we ever expect to grow up or to remain steadfast in out Christian life? I see that as a theme at many points in my life…I assumed that I could continue growing as a Christian without spending any time whatsoever with God. I had a destination in mind and I was convinced that I could get there as fast as possible with as little effort as possible. And I was humbled from that mainly through the revelation that God is in this relationship with me for the journey, not just for the end goal. He has a heart that wants to enjoy the ride with us, to watch us grow and mature. I picture a parent who really just enjoys getting to live life with their child. They love watching their kid grow up, to see all the “firsts”, to be there for every major event and just to enjoy all the little ones. God does not want to be a theme park…he wants relationship.

So…simplicity. I see myself every so often just getting terribly bogged down with the ideas in my head of the way things are “supposed to go.” I feel like I should make my relationship with God much more complex than it should be, and I think a lot of people do that because, as they say, “nothing in life is free.” I am by no means saying that Jesus dying for us was free….it came at the greatest cost this world has ever known, but for us personally, we are able to live with God forever because He gave us the free gift of life through Jesus. No earning it. Nothing of the sort. And his love doesn’t have stipulations…he loves us just because he loves us.

My thoughts kind of trail off here because tiredness has hit. So, update on life. Since I got to Australia, life has hit just as hard as it had been going when I was at home. We’re in class most of the day getting certified to train and assess students. The Australian government dots all it’s i’s and crosses it’s t’s quite well. I should be finished with that on Friday (yay!), but this week is quite a bit of work still. The majority of my stuff will be done tomorrow thankfully. There’s just always something to do. Anyways…that’s all for now I think. I’m tired, so I’m off. Later gators.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

July 6, 2008 by amanda.stebbins.

Well, I’m back in Australia. And I realized just how long it has been since I’ve updated this thing. Whoops. I shall be better about that this time around hopefully.

For those who do not know, I have returned to Australia after 5 1/2 months at home. It was a wonderful time to get to be with my family and to process a lot of what happened in Australia last time around. Now I’m back as staff on the base. Being on staff has it’s perks…ya know, use of the staff area, fewer people to sharing a room, etc. I also have been thinking a ton about the responsibility that falls on the people on staff here, especially in the position I’m in as staff on a school.

God has called me to a much deeper level of dependence on him through this position. I do not feel the least bit qualified to be leading such a school. I’m 22 years old, which does make me several years older than the youngest students, one year older than the oldest student, and the third oldest in leadership in the school. It’s humbling to me to realize that God is placing me in a position of authority. My main duty on this school is to be in charge of intercession- once again, a humbling position. Prayer is what will have the greatest impact because prayer on behalf of the school will be binding and loosing things over the people in our school (as well as around the world considering my prayers do not just concern the school). It’s a new level of discipline God is bringing me into…one that I am very excited about but at the same time wondering why I am the one He picked for this position. I find myself in humbling positions left and right.

Being on staff for a discipleship training school is a heavy undertaking in my opinion. It is a constant pouring out of yourself for the entirety of the school so that others may learn more of who God is and how He sees them…it requires the dependence on God for the strength necessary. Our staff team is incredible….so I’ll introduce them to you so you know a little more about who I am working with.

Adam is our school leader…the one who organizes the entirety of the 5-6 months. He has poured so much prayer and preparation into this time. Adam was my school leader as well. He’s been with YWAM for quite a while, and he will be 23 in October. Adam’s heart is one that desires to pursue God completely and wholeheartedly and to enable other people to do the same. He is a man of humility and strength, and I am excited to get to learn more from him and from the wisdom God gives to him over this period of time. When I was initially in Australia, I did not want to come back at all…God had to call me back…but once I found out He wanted me back, I wanted to be able to work under Adam. I love watching God move through him and to hear God speak through him.

Erin was on staff for my school as well as being one of my outreach leaders. Absolutely sweet! She’s from Oregon in the states.

Melissa was on staff for my school as well….she is my piano buddy (she brought lots of sheet music thankfully since I didn’t.) She’s from Idaho.

Bonner was on my school….absolutely incredible worship leader. He’s from Virginia.

Jon was also on my school….the most positive person I’ve ever met as well as one of the most genuine. He’s from Norway….and he’s not back here yet

Paul- I just met Paul about 5 days ago, and we’ve had some wonderful conversations. He did his DTS here forever ago. He’s an IT guy, is from Canada, went to school in Alberta, and now he’s here

So that’s who’s on staff with me. I’ll write more about them in the future I bet….we’re family now.

Base has been terribly quiet this weekend….half the people are at a wedding for a couple from the base, and the other half seem to have disappeared somewhere over the past two days. So needless to say it’s terribly quiet around here.

More thoughts to come later. For now, just wanted everyone to know that I got here all safe and sound. So much work to be done, so very very little time….

…til next time

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »